It is a very tough thing in a marriage when one of the partners does not want to get a separation but also doesn’t like the state of affairs between them and their partner, and they are scared that their marriage would never get back to what it used to be. It is, all in all, a very miserable and dissatisfying state of affairs where it seems like you are doomed to a life of unhappiness.
If you currently find yourself in these very tough shoes, then know that you are not the only one going through this. Many many other marriages are experiencing the same rough patch that you are in and are most likely doing what you are doing to change it which is nothing.
This is more common than you think as marriage and family therapist, Kay Cocharo, discovered from a survey she saw. Many people are experiencing this same situation in their marriages, and the not so shocking part of it is that most of them stay in this position for an average of six years before they begin to seek for professional help. Does that ring a bell?
Six years, more than half a decade is quite a long time to stay in a troubled relationship with someone who you once loved so much, and you agreed to stay with them for life.
Now, what are the causes of this terrible situation and how does it happen? Do you just wake up one day and realize that you are at odds with your husband or is it a gradual process?
In the course of your relationship with your partner, you go through different kinds of love for them and like everything on earth, those feelings can change and will change with time.
Basically, the length of time you stay with someone is directly proportional to the maturity of the love you feel for them. That is, the longer the time you have spent with them, the more mature the love you feel for them. So, what does this have to do with the issue at hand? A lot. You see, when both of you decided to stay together for life, your love was still young, full of dreams and romance and very little reality. In this stage, all you see when you look at him is stars.
And when you are just newly falling in love with someone, there are so many cloudy feelings, chemical changes, and raging hormones which don’t help you see the other side of love, which is the constant hard work put in to keep those stars brightly shining.
Now, time has passed, and with it, your love has matured and the blinds over your eyes lifted. You don’t feel quite as strongly in love with that person as you did a couple of years ago. You begin to notice things that the novelty of your love didn’t let you see before, and you are not quite as sure that you can tolerate those things.
Marriage and family therapist, Kay Cocharo calls this phase, “the power struggle stage of love”In this phase, your hormones have settled down, the chemicals long gone and you no longer exist in dreamland. Now you find yourself in the reality of your relationship, where your love begins to morph.
During this power struggle stage, many people try hard to cling to their early romance and constantly work hard to keep it alive and as blazing as it was in the beginning. They want that rush of feeling, those blushes, the giddiness, the stars, the raging hormones, and all the parts of a newly formed love. Some might even go as far as obtaining a divorce in a bid to get those feelings back.
Nevertheless, this does not mean that you don’t love your partner anymore or that you aren’t meant for each other, it just means that your raging hormones have settled down. Your feelings have begun to change and with them your relationship too.
This confusing stage can be the status quo of the marriage for a very long time, and although some people will opt for a divorce at this point, the majority of couples will stay together, accepting the miserable situation as normal while wishing things will change for the better.
However, you don’t have to live this way. Stuck in a miserable relationship where you always wish for what you had before.
Not wanting to get a divorce is vital to the change of things in your relationship and it will go a long way to making things better for you and your partner. Mary Kay Cocharo thinks that having even one person in such a relationship dedicated to advocating change, positive growth and actively involving their partner in the quest for help can go a long way in changing the status quo of the marriage.
This burning desire and hard work to make things better would ensure that your marriage has the opportunity to make it past this difficult situation. It would also guarantee that you lead a fulfilling life in and outside of your relationship rather than settle for a miserable marriage.
For things to change, you and your partner might need to seek professional help from a licensed marriage and family therapists; like Mary Kay Cocharo, who will help you establish new lines of communication with your partner. Learn how to argue in a nondestructive way and discover novel ways of spicing your relationship up from time to time to ensure that you never leave the “Honeymoon Phase” of your relationship.
You can’t spend a lifetime with someone in such miserable circumstances. It will be almost impossible to bear even if you have been managing for a while right now. You might find it even harder to stay as the years go by. So, if you truly want to spend your life with your partner, your relationship would need to have happiness in it.