It’s almost like a circle. I always get into relationships with people who are totally wrong for me. The relationship gets sour, and I go through a horrible breakup, then I cry for days and try to get my life together while swearing that I would never do this again. But once I fully get over it, I’m back to meeting the wrong guy and letting him into my life again. It’s a vicious cycle. I’m always opening my heart to people who don’t deserve to know it. I can’t hide my emotions to save my life, and you know it. Everything that I feel is always clearly showing on my face. I freely open my heart up to people and live with the fear that it would be broken. Well, you weren’t an exception to the rule, you were just like every other guy. No difference. With you, it was worse than anything I have ever experienced. You took pleasure in hurting me. You loved to break me wait for me to heal and break me again over and over again and I didn’t even do anything to stop you, I just stood by and let you hurt me hoping against hope that one day, you would stop hurting me. I let you hurt me because I loved you and I thought that if I stayed put, that you would one day open up your eyes to see that I was standing right by your side. But you never looked sideways.
I allowed you to take away my self-confidence and replace it with self-doubt. I let you train me to second guess myself and not trust my decisions. After all, it was my decision that brought you into my life. I let you degrade me so much that I began to hate the sight of myself in the mirror. I let you teach me how to hate myself for all the things you would say about me. You would always have something negative to say about my physical appearance. From telling me to go on a diet to telling me what I should wear. It got so bad when you would constantly compare me to random women that we met outside. You didn’t just stop there, no. You went further to laugh at my job making me feel as if the writing was not worthy to be called a job. You also laughed at the amount of money that I made. Calling them paltry sums of money. You made me feel worthless and unworthy of your love and attention.
One of the most stupid things I did was letting you drive a wedge between my family and me. I kept on limiting the time I spent with my family until I wasn’t spending any time with them at all. My every single waking moment was wasted on you, just you. I would make plans to spend some time with my friends and family members, but you would always be there to make me feel guilty for not wanting to come. What struck me as sad was that even on the occasions when you were not even around, I was still being controlled by you. But I have learned my lesson.
I regret so many things about this relationship and another one of them is that I have given you power over me to change the way in which I see myself. You abused this power by making me feel as if no other person in this world would love me. You also made me feel as if losing you was because of my ineptitude and lack. That hurt you know? I felt like somehow I was not enough for you, that I was just a stand-in for the woman you truly wanted. I could never get to the size that you wanted me to be and it hurt to always see myself fall short of the mark in your eyes. You made me feel very worthless when you compared me to other women. I did not look as beautiful as the other girls or as graceful. You made me feel unworthy of your love, and that is one thing that I would never forgive you for. You were always criticizing one thing or the other when it came to me. My hair, clothes, nose, name it. Every moment spent with you was a special type of hell and I endured it all. I’m just glad that even with all the things you did to me, I survived.
I was just a ninny. I allowed you to break my heart over and over again. You ignored my texts and calls and could not be bothered to call me back either. It’s almost as if you were trying to show me just how much you hated me. Every time we went out, and I saw a couple so into each other that they could not be bothered by what is going on outside, I wistfully looked at them because they have what I wish we had, what I knew we could never have. I can’t keep being in a relationship and also being so lonely. I just can’t do this anymore. I had to let you go.
So, I’m finally doing what is right for me and letting you go. I’m glad that I no longer have to live with being the one you never wanted but have. I’m tired of being blamed for everything that has ever happened to you. I’m tired of feeling inferior and unworthy of love. I’m just tired. I’m tired of you. I know that I usually repeat my mistakes but not this one. I won’t do this again with any other man because letting you go was one the best decisions I have ever made. I now know a few things, one of them is that I am worthy of love and the other is that nothing that went wrong in our relationship was my fault. It was all yours. I finally realized that we weren’t meant to be and I’m glad that I let you go without a fight. I’m not even mourning our farce of a relationship because somethings are not meant to be mourned at all, our relationship is one of those things. So, thank you very much for not treating me well, thank you for not ever loving me because, with you, I learned also to love myself. I’m glad that you thought me always to pick myself above any other person. For that, I am thankful.