When it comes to relationships, some women get all the luck. They somehow always get the right guy, kind, caring and totally wonderful. They hardly ever get into a relationship with a douchebag. Other women get the short end of the stick. They almost always end up with jerks in relationships, or they end up having toxic relationships. These set of women can count on one hand how many times that they have been in a relationship with one of the good guys. This begs the question “do these women somehow attract these men or do they just have a bad judgment of character.” Because somehow they always end up with toxic men almost as if they have not learned their lessons or they give out some sort of pheromone that attracts all the jerks and douchebags within a 10-mile radius. I have always wondered because I am a member of the second group. Most of the men that I have been in a relationship with were toxic and usually warped something in me by the time that relationship was over. They always left me wondering what went wrong with me and if it was my fault that I somehow destroyed the relationship. Yea, they were the ones who had shadows in their eyes, who had pasts that haunted them every night. They were broken men, with so many cracks they could never be smooth, they were so hurt by the world, and I often wondered if maybe I was acting in a way that led them to believe that they could hurt and deceive me.
I have thought about it long and hard, and perhaps I was. Perhaps I made them treat me that way because why else would I have a string of douchebags for exes? Perhaps instead of a douchebag repellent, I have something different, something that attracts them in droves. Apparently, I was right; I did attract them with some of my actions and inactions. If you are reading this article and this is your story; a long line of jerks for exes, then you have come to the right place to get answers to those questions I know you have. Below are 11 things that I did that was an attraction to toxic men.
1. I WAS A VERY NICE PERSON.
My grandfather once said to me “do not be too bitter that the world would spit you out of its mouth and neither should you be so sweet that they will lick you right up.” It was a lesson I guess I overlooked, and I have paid for that negligence. You see, toxic guys have a type, and that type is not the assertive woman who is not ready to take any bullshit from any man. They do not go for the bold women who are ever ready to stand up for their rights. They do not date the independent and intimidating women who know what they want, how to get it and how to get there. They do not date the woman who wears her confidence like a perfume, a woman who knows what she deserves and who would not settle for less. No, they do not go for these women. Know who they go for? They go for the nice women. Yea, the nice woman. The nice woman who is always understanding no matter what happens or how many times it has happened. The nice woman who is always polite even when she is mad. The nice woman who would try to understand when he was a no-show on yet another date or when he ignored her for days. The nice woman like me. Toxic guys like these type of women because of everything they hate the other women for; boldness, assertiveness, and self-confidence. The nice woman can be easily manipulated and would do anything to avoid a conflict. The nice woman aka the doormat is exactly the woman they want.
2. I WAS ALWAYS SO TRUSTING, ALWAYS LOOKING FOR THE GOOD IN PEOPLE.
I know they say, there is an atom of good in every bad person, but it is not always wise to go looking for it. Toxic guys bank on the fact that you will always forgive them because you believe in the good part of everyone. They are a very manipulative lot, and they would use this belief against you. Each time they hurt you, they will come back appealing to your sense of fairness and compassion to forgive them. They would look so contrite as if they did not mean to hurt you, but somehow they could not stop themselves. Some of them would even blame their damaged minds, using it as an excuse and you will fall for their manipulation over and over again. There is no good part in a toxic guy. Until they work through their issues and with a therapist, not you, do not get involved. Please do not fall for their ‘poor me’ impressions; you will regret it when you find yourself hurting every other day. It happened to me. I am the type of girl who believes that there exists some inherent good in everybody no matter their character. I have always given toxic guys the benefit of the doubt and they, in turn, have manipulated me. There were times when somehow I knew in my gut that they were telling me a lie, but I still decided to accept their tale as the truth. Now I think about it; there were days that their lies made no logical sense whatsoever yet I decided to take it as the truth. I was forever sacrificing on my own needs and desires for them even when they never reciprocated the care.
3. I WAS THEIR HOPE OF CHANGE
Nothing hurts more than this. These toxic guys that have problems which can range from addiction to alcoholism, to self-harm to bouts of depression would most probably get attracted to a healthy young woman with good habits who has got her shit together and is living a good life. The thing is, they might believe that they are in love or care for you or are attracted to you, but they are not. They are not attracted to you as a person. They are rather attracted to what you have. Your comfortable and healthy life is the aphrodisiac that draws them close. That is why they want to date you so that you could maybe rub off on them. They are in that relationship for something other than their attraction to you. They want to heal and get their shit together and what better place to learn that than from someone who has her own shit together? I am a healthy young woman, comfortable and living a healthy lifestyle and this is what draws them to me. One of my exes was a recuperating drug addict and once during that relationship he told me that the first thing about me that attracted his attention was that my life was put together and I maintained a healthy lifestyle. He wanted to learn how to change, but I guess he really needed a therapist because he did not change. He went back to being an addict and ignoring me. Take it from me, you are not a therapist, and he would not learn those good habits. Soon he will be back to what he used to be.
4. I LOOKED LIKE A FIXER UPPER OF DAMAGED MEN.
The toxic guy does not want a woman who can smell his bullshit a mile away. They would always go for the woman who looks like she would always forgive their excesses. Deep down I sometimes think that they do not want to get better, it is all a game to them. They are only putting up that “poor me I am a damaged man” mask to deceive women like us who would always want to fix what is wrong. Once they have established the fact that they might occasionally hurt you as a result of all the things they have been through in the past, they would then proceed to hurt and break your heart at every turn. Knowing that you would forgive them, knowing that no matter what happens you would stay because you will try to fix what is wrong. For a few days perhaps even weeks they will play along, being the perfect boyfriends and then out of the blue, they will do something to hurt you again, and the cycle would begin again. I was once that kind of girl. The one who made excuses for their boyfriends. If only Mark would stop drinking so much; if only James wouldn’t hanging out around places they sold drugs he would be perfect. If only Adam went for anger management classes, he would be much easier to live with and on and on it went. Mark, Adam, and James were doing things that hurt me and me offering excuses for their behaviors. I was always hoping for the impossible, and that was that they would change. Toxic guys never change. They try to obey the rules for a couple of weeks and then they are back to their usual haunts. They do not know how to love or care about people so save yourself a world of harm and stay away from them.
5. I WAS TOO CARING AND TOO UNDERSTANDING OF THEIR PLIGHT.
Toxic guys are a bit like narcissists; they do not care about you in any capacity. They are with you for what they would get from you and nothing else. However, they know that it would be hard to survive in a society where such an attitude is strongly frowned on so they learn their stock in trade. Deception. Toxic guys have to be the most deceptive people on earth. They have the art of pretense polished to a shine. They are very good at weaving stories of subjugation and maltreatment at the hands of other people. They even have the expression down pat. The heartbroken face, the hesitancy to talk about their hurtful experience. In short, they will almost have you in tears from their performance. They play on your empathic emotions and get you to bring down your guard. You will feel like kindred souls with them. I always swallowed the same spiel about their damaged souls. They are very good at telling lies, and everything they say should be investigated. I once had an experience with one of my exes who told me how his mother could not afford the rent on her house and would be kicked out, so I lent him the money only to find out from a mistakenly sent text that the money was for a party. I was crushed. How naive could I have been?
6. I WAS NOT LOOKING FOR LOVE
Like I said before toxic guys would never go after a woman who is self-confident, knows her worth and does not settle for less than what she is worth because she would not stand for any bullshit and that is what they have to offer. They prefer the women who have a warped view of love because it enables them to play their games on her. They go for the women who have been soured by too many bad experiences with love. Those women are easy to manipulate and play with. They would just come into their lives claiming to be another hurt soul with a sob story to boot. That is what happened to me. Hurt and disillusioned about love from my past experiences, I was prime prey. I was easily taken in by some toxic guy who had all the charms. He seemed to genuinely care for me, and he paid me so much attention that it was flattering. Once I got emotionally involved he brought out his real game.
7. I GAVE TOO MUCH WITHOUT A LIMIT.
It is a good thing when you give to people. Things like money and material needs are good things to over give on occasionally but other things like love, trust and affection are not good things to over give at all. Toxic guys feel like they hit the jackpot when they land someone who gives without boundaries. They would quickly latch onto her and suck her dry, and when they can’t get any other thing from her, they will throw away the empty husk leaving the woman to pull herself up. I was always playing the role of Mother Theresa in my relationships. Always giving without a boundary, without end, without a thought to myself and when I burned out, they left for greener pastures.
8. I LISTENED TO THEM TALK
As I said, a toxic man is much like a narcissist in so many aspects. Just like narcissists, they love the attention on themselves this time in the form of talking about their woes. They are very good at coining sob stories that would get you shedding tears for them, and they would need someone to listen. I have always been a listener which makes it easy for people to talk to me about their problems. But with my toxic exes, I was always listening to them talk about how sad their lives have been but never for once did they ever listen to me.
9. I WAS TOO MUCH OF A KIND PERSON
I have always hated conflicts for as long as I can remember and that is one thing that toxic guys like in their women. A woman who would go with the flow because she wants to avoid a blow out if she speaks up. They want a woman who is comfortable letting the man take the lead in their relationships so that they can steer them any way they want. I used to be like that, and my toxic exes did a number on me. If you have this trait, you should probably lay down firm boundaries.
10. I HAD A LOW SENSE OF SELF WORTH AND VALUE
Someone once told me that people would treat you the way you treat yourself because somehow we broadcast the way we see ourselves to others, and they treat us accordingly. Toxic guys love nothing better than a woman who already has a poor opinion of her self-worth because this means that they can easily convince her that they do not deserve better in a guy. I did not have a high opinion of myself, and the led to me having low standards when it came to the men I dated. And because if that, my toxic exes found it easy to treat me anyhow because they knew that I did not believe that I deserved better and because of that I would put up with their behavior. That used to be me. Now, I know my value, and I would never settle for less than what I deserve.
11. I STAYED WHEN I SHOULD HAVE WALKED AWAY.
This is linked to the fact that I did not have a lot of self-respect, self-confidence and I did not know my worth. A toxic guy delights in a woman who has all of the above. They can easily manipulate her and hurt her, and the coup was that she will still stay with them. I used to put up with a lot of buckshot from my exes, and toxic guys are quick to zone in on that and exploit it. In one of the toxic relationships, I was having a few issues with my family and once told him that I would have loved to sever that relationship. He quickly latched onto that because it meant that I had no one to turn to and he could, therefore, do anything to me. Toxic guys are very manipulative. They only care about themselves and what they can get from you.
The above characters are the ones we sometimes exhibit which draws losers to us. To be honest, some of those characteristics are very good ones, but they make us gullible also. Be a nice person but to an extent. Don’t let anybody take advantage of the good in your heart.