When You’re in the Gray Area of Being Suicidal

To anybody reading this letter,

I just want to say that I have thoughts of killing myself. Yes, I’m suicidal, and I am not dangerous. I am not doing anything to hurt myself. I do not have any laid out scheme to hurt myself, and I do not want to make any such plans. However, it still does not change the fact that I have thoughts about killing myself and for as long as I can remember, I have always thought about killing myself.

Most normal people look at things such as suicide in stark contrasts, it’s either good or bad, or black and white. But never gray. Everything has to be in its own box, and there aren’t any boxes for gray areas. As for me, suicide is one of those things that lie in the gray area. Occasionally, I think about how being suicidal falls into a gray area for me and wonder if I am the only one who thinks like that. Let me explain something to you. I can be full of happiness and really bubbling with joy and generally having one of those days that fall into the perfect category, yet, I would have suicidal thoughts. My suicidal thoughts are there irrespective of the mood I find myself in. So, I could be having a fun time with my family or doing something that is really fun for me and still have my suicidal thoughts.

On almost every morning when I wake up, I feel that it would be better if I were dead. But I don’t dwell on it for long because soon enough, my attention is taken by son and husband who are still sleeping right next to me. That suicidal feeling is never far from me, but I do my best to ignore it. As the day goes, I come in contact with lots of difficulties which take a toll on my subconscious mind and either make the suicidal thoughts a shout or leaves them as just a background buzz.

To make things clear, being a suicidal person is quite different from having suicidal thoughts. Suicidal thoughts are more than thoughts; they are feelings, it’s a sense. The sense that there’s something that makes you uncomfortable but which you cannot remove much like a gloomy weather you don’t like but can’t remove either. Suicidal thoughts are born in the arms of anxiety and depression, and just like anxiety and depression, it is a confusing state. You feel like a person who is drowning and gasping for breath, and the intensity is so much, you don’t even believe that the feeling will go away. All you know is that you have to be strong putting one leg before the other and getting through the day. While all of this is happening inside of me, on the outside, I go about my day as normally as possible, trying hard not to let those feelings get the better of me.

Just like any other mental illness, I have my good days and my bad days. Today, unfortunately, is one of the bad ones. I know that I’m feeling really negative today and I’m prepared. This morning, I woke up to negative thoughts like how my family would be a whole lot better if I were not alive. Like most negative thoughts, it flitted to other depressing topics such as my financial state and those suicidal feelings got louder. After thinking about my financial state, my mind went on to think about my parents, and it got worse. Next stop was on the sacrifices my husband has made and still make to provide me with the opportunity to have a go at my writing career, and I think of how much better he would be if he weren’t with me. It’s not okay that he has to sacrifice so much. How will my child see me if I can’t even live up to the expectations of the people around me now? At this point, I feel so overwhelmed by all of these depressing thoughts, and I start crying. The suicidal thoughts are a full-on scream right now, and I think of how much better things would be for everyone if I just gave in to the suicidal thoughts and did something about them. Maybe my family would get a better chance with a much better person than me.

The truth, however, is that my feelings do not match the reality of my life. There are things that make me want to live and go on, and I know that things will get easier. I’m well aware that I have a very loving family who will always be there to support me. As for those who don’t like me, it doesn’t matter. The bottom line is that I know that this is just one of my depressing states and that it will pass.

I just wish my mind and my body would work towards getting better.

I know that things are not bad for me. The last time I attempted to follow through on my thoughts was almost two years ago, and it’s an achievement that I am immensely proud of. I have tried to take my life before but each attempt I made ended in the same pattern. I get unconscious, and when I wake up, I am filled with regret. So much regret. There was a time when I did not have anything to live for, and those days I used to dream of my own death, making it up into this big deal. Now, I have things to live for, people to live for and I am afraid that one day, these thoughts will become too loud for me to ignore and I would give in. Although I realize that it might not turn out that way, I may still admit myself to the hospital again for treatment.

In case you are scared or worried about me, you don’t need to be though. I am filled with good dreams for myself and my family. I have no plans to give into those suicidal thoughts, and I promise that I’m not harming myself in any other way, but if I ever do, I’ll seek medical attention immediately.

Why I wrote this article is to shed light on suicidal thoughts. Suicide is not a decision made on a single day and then carried out. No, it is a combination of so much pain, torture, depression, and anxiety over the years, on the good days and on the bad days too. It does not occur on one day, it is the result of a lot of emotional build up. As for me, I want to live, and while my mind and my illness would not agree with me, I am stronger and louder than them, and for today, I will not listen to them.

Those that live with one form of mental illness or the other do have gray areas. It does not go into remission like cancer and come back occasionally; it is there every single day although some days are worse than others in terms of intensity. However, they constantly live with them. I wish I didn’t have to live with them though, things will be so much easier for me but I do and I’ll keep on fighting them no matter how hard.

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