My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have Sex?”
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?” …
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes..”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started…
I took my wife to a French restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
Jokingly, he said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that’s when the fight started.
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes”, she sighed, “He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
And then the fight started…
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, brewing beer, watching TV.
Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”
She didn’t appreciate that.
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, “I want something shiny that goes from o to 150 in about 3 seconds.”
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started.
One year, I decided to buy my wife’s mother a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift… The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
I’m still recovering from this one.